I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
