Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
