my vag is so smooth its legendary
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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