I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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