Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize