Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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