my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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