i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
