My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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