Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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