So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
