So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
