Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
