And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
