I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
