If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
