It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
