Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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