Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
