Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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