Your face is a jimmy john
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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