I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
