You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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