I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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