Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
