3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
