He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
