I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
