you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
