i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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