Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
