Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
