This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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