Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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