My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
