yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
