I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
