he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
