Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
