I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize