theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Randomize