Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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