I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
