I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My balls are so social today.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
