Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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