You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
