remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
