I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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