My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize