If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
