Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
