In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
