Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
