I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
