I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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