So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
