I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
