He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
