nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
