Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
