Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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