Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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