At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
