nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
