I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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